Self-Destruction

Caught between a rock and a hard place…I choose self-destruction
Too late for a talk face to face, my mind can barely function
Thoughts moving at too fast of a pace, mostly assumptions
Sometimes I wish I had more gumption, yet I find myself too many times reluctant…

The paths constantly chosen will always seem to be a mystery
The notion to be open always seems to lead to injury
Too well guarded from emotions to let anything lead to misery
Just going through the motions to avoid repeating history…

Lies hidden behind truth, without even being able to realize
Left only to appear uncouth without the ability to recognize
Letting negative thought pollute and ultimately demonize
And emphasize on this mass emotional genocide…

There’s a reason I tend to choose self-devastation
Too scared to refuse paths that lead to self-desecration
Always ready to abuse myself without needing explanation
Pain leaving no blood or bruise, only internal mutilation…

I just don’t know the rationality, I wish I could explain
Don’t know why my personality seems to be the cause of pain
For myself, or others, brutality seems to be my domain
Looking to change that mentality, so that my sanity may remain.

The dark smoke has cleared
Finally confronted fears
Spilled blood and shed tears

Looking back at life
Both good and bad memories
Yearning sanity

Glance to the future
No more believing rumors
Become the ruler

My life has been good
Even when misunderstood
Done all that I could

Life's Purpose

Pain…experienced by many, and truly understood by few
Mental paroxysm
Physical anguish
Torment tearing apart the very soul
Many would give anything to go back to the very start
But that is inconceivable
Many have tried to live life without regret, and told themselves many times that they do not have any
However they’ve done nothing but commit self deception
Ignored signs, and looked past many sins
Left with nothing but blood, sweat, and tears without even the simplest understanding
Looking at one’s life and who or what fills the voids
Never looking into the souls of those with influence
True pain? That is an experience I would never wish upon another
Lost loved ones, broken bones or hearts don’t compare
Comprehending life’s purpose is what true pain is
Being able to peer into dark souls
Look past good intentions
Understanding true colors
Life’s purpose is pain

Emotional Capacity

There is a limit to my emotional capacity
Gravity gravitated me towards those that caused calamity
I blindly walked through life with fervent tenacity
Classically trained in thought that one day I’d meet my match romantically
Sadly I’ve changed into someone who looks at life cynically
At people, especially those, who go through life using deception and mimicry
Initially formed those same people into the epitome of angel imagery
I was blind until my mind had an abundance of epiphanies
Even through moments of unspeakable indignity
I still bear the scars, both mentally and physically
Badges of honor and pride, symbols of resiliency
Some people call me pessimistic, I call myself a realist
Instead of open hands I stand with clenched fists
Always ready to defend, fight, and persist
To protect my heart from, once again, sinking into the abyss
The place where minds and souls struggle to exist
Where death comes knocking, and opening the door is hard to resist
Wondering, “If I left this world, would I be missed?”
There is a limit to my emotional capacity
A part of me still hopes there’s someone out there who can change my mentality.

Awakening

Today is the day
First of the rest of my life
Cannot fail this time.

Prisoner

There was a long stretch of time in which I was imprisoned
A fate that was given within, but from the world still hidden.
Stricken with the lack of impulse control towards the forbidden
I envisioned a life of profit and sin
Waiting for the next big thing to begin.
I was a slave to material things and the almighty dollar,
Forgetting about both integrity and honor,
Stacking paper only made my goal seem farther.
I was a prisoner in a prison created by my own hand
Never realized that there was one thing I didn’t understand
That the life I was living was going to shorten my fucking lifespan.
It’s now time to plan my journey to the promised land
Escape this prison and take command
Demand more from life, and make my mind expand.
Don’t misunderstand, because I’m easily misunderstood.
I was just tired of sweating tears and crying blood,
And still ended up saying could, would and should.
I was a prisoner in a prison set up by my own mind…
But now I’ve been set free to leave my past behind.

In the Dark

Second day in a row where I’m sitting in the dark…
Giving time for my mind to pick my entire life apart
From the very start to imagining the time when my soul departs
Wonderin whether or not I’ll die of old age
Or in lots of pain from a high numbered cancer stage
Lookin at life deciding whether or not I made my mark or just a stain
Then I remind my mind to take caution
Because I’m probably going to die from heat exhaustion
No electricity definitely means there’s no AC
This heat and darkness are making me crazy
Comprehensive abilities getting hazy
Body getting tired and lazy…
Then I realize how much I take things for granted
That my view on life is more than slightly slanted
Luxuries as necessities…an idea implanted
Brutally branded into my cerebral
That I shouldn’t care about other people
In poverty or living through civil upheaval
Where death instead of life is the lesser of two evils
Their next meal may not be achievable
Makes me feel like my complaints are unbelievable
Look at the kind of ideas this emptiness sparks
When I’m sitting here…in the dark.

Untitled

The first time I saw you was nothing but chance
I still knew at once that I had to take a stand
Still unsure I slowly advanced
To take a shot at an undeniable, possibly unrequitable, romance.
I thought, “Could you understand the reasons behind my sincere advances?”
You did, and suddenly my life felt enhanced
With a simple glance you made my heart skip beats
And I realized that my life was incomplete
Every other person in my life slowly became obsolete
Little did I know that this love would soon retreat…
I would have climbed the highest mountains before admitting defeat
But the sweet couldn’t compete with the deceit that eventually surfaced.
We began to go through everyday without purpose
Slowly began saying things that made both of us nervous
Which turned into words that began to make both of us feel worthless.
Why did it have to become you versus me?
Undoubtedly realizing that we were not meant to be
Which was something that I don’t think either of us could foresee
But I still miss the good times underneath all the rubble and debris…

My Life

A lot of times I wish my life was made easy
With the simple ability to think and speak freely.
Instead I have internal thoughts that spark these greedy feelings…
Never understood how other people’s property could be so appealing,
Leaving me reeling…kneeling while saying prayers for material things
Which always come with attached strings…marionette puppet with straps to all four limbs.
It should be a sin to fail to see the unlimited treasures within
To concentrate on only the bad, and to forget to look for where the good begins.
Pessimistic thoughts turned into an optimistic drive
To revive the will to feel alive, not just the will to survive.
Time to put my pride aside
Use my potential to realize that my blind eyes couldn’t see the prize
With no limit in the skies it’s time to improvise life’s guise
No longer despise myself, but finally comprise myself onto another level.
Refuse temptations from the devil who’s always tried to make my life disheveled.
A lot of times I wish my life was made easy
Then I remember that the easy things in life are the ones that never run deeply.

Simplicity

Desperately searching for life’s simplicity
Rooting through duplicity to find authenticity.
In these pursuits I find I can be my own worst enemy,
But sometimes it takes tragedy to find one’s clarity.
Turn one’s jealousy into a drive to leave a legacy
With a recipe for success that comes from more than external tendencies,
It comes from internal dependencies to try and find one’s destiny.
Generally speaking this goes further than truth seeking.
It’s about conquering the day after seizing it
Taking one’s desire to succeed, and force feeding it.
Patching a past wound instead of bleeding it
Taking a negative in your life, successfully defeating it,
Learning from a mistake, and of course, never repeating it.
Desperately searching for the simplistic
Away from opportunistic characteristics
Not to give a shit about the materialistic.
Change from pessimistic to optimistic
And refuse to become another fucking statistic.
Desperately searching for life’s simplicity through life’s brevity
Hoping for more than wealth and longevity.

Nightmares

I lie awake at night with nothin’ but blank stares,
To keep my mind from thinking of past negative affairs.
Undeniable nightmares…there’s nothing my mind can do to prepare.
It’s unfair to compare my mind to the next man,
Because I’m aware I think thoughts that very few will ever understand.
Waking up in cold sweats with metaphorical blood on my hands
Branded by individual facial expressions that demand restitution,
Knowing that there isn’t much that will bring my soul absolution.
I pray for salvation from my mind’s self-prosecution…to keep myself from self-execution.
Is resolution from this just a simple illusion?
Confusion leading to delusional seclusion?
Some would call these thoughts a matter of being inhuman,
To be the cause of the destruction of the most precious of unions.
I consider these thoughts to show that my guilt has been proven.

The Fall

Counting down to the last days of Summer…it’s almost time for Fall’s change,
It’s amazing the differences a new season can bring.
Your mood…your thoughts…down to the center of your core,
Fall is the time for your soul to be restored.

Souls shed impurities like trees shed leaves,
Left with a feeling that’s both refreshed and relieved.
Starting out fresh with new goals to achieve,
Seeking out truth, and veering away from those that deceive.

Fall rains wash the land, as well as your whole being,
As the clouds of your life part, it’s as if it was your first time seeing,
The silver lining they possess, along with the light they once blocked,
Fresh ground of life to travel upon through life’s treacherous walk.

I welcome the Fall, as I welcome the change,
My mind, body, and soul are ready for the exchange.
From one train of thought onto another,
I hope the sun in my life will soon be uncovered.

I Stand

I stand in line with my sights set on what seems like no end
I stand in line following the masses like sheep who can’t comprehend
I stand and I watch while this country goes to shit
Where politicians refuse to commit and admit we’re fighting a war in which the people do not permit
Where people submit their lives to the hands of puppet masters with pens and demented intents
Hellbent on the torment caused by a war in which their pens gave consent
Content, just as long as their presence maintains a low US death percent
In response … I refuse to stand in a line with a gun in one hand and another in salute
To a government with malicious pursuits, who ask questions long after they shoot
I stand, maybe not with the soldiers out on the front line, but I stand in support of allowing their memories to shine
But I refuse to align my mind to the confines of conformist design
That is why, instead, I stand in a line with a sign screaming, “KEEP THE TROOPS ALIVE!”
And on the other side, a seemingly endless count, to the days they arrive
Survived as their brothers and sisters were killed in combat by their sides
I stand in a line to cast a vote on the times of CHANGE to come
A vote cast to no longer succumb to a “democratic” regime’s way of thinking that’s made this country numb
Numb … ever since our fellow brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, and children alike
Were killed in one terrorist act thought up by terrible spite, that’s left this country in fear to act out in anger and fright
Left to point fingers at any villain in sight, regardless of whether or not that choice was right
To any with a mind it might not be the man America put in the spotlight …
Because if it was … we’d be fighting the right fight.

Disconnected

As I collect my thoughts and reflect on my life, I feel disconnected
In the country I call my own … I feel neglected
But is it reality I feel or my own negative perceptions?
Having to choose between truths and deceptions
I redefine my preconceptions and reflect on past transgressions
Which ultimately … causes me to still feel disconnected.
As I walked through life I used to walk without eyes
Unable to see the lies disguised as truths leading to my demise … no goodbyes … no farewells
As I shed this shell of a conformist exterior I am reborn to think for myself
To no longer conform, as I transform … I no longer feel disconnected
Left to feel what’s true … not just what’s expected.
No longer left to be subjected to mass media misinterpretations
Beguiling the masses with force fed educations … set to strip one of thought, and to force feed US preservation
Is there a cure to this country’s desperation?
I don’t know … but I know that I have found the path to my own salvation
I have found a way to once again … feel connected.