one while we're away
just one and you'll know
it's time to get out
before the time
it's up and we're back
to where we were
judging and watching
like clock faces
ticking
we're waiting and listening
spouting regrets and requests
just a little pressure
and it's a sure way
to disable
independent thought of motion
mostly an ocean dried up
creativity shot in the back
through the heart
and then gone
just vanished like old gods
prayed to but forgotten
listening but mute
so take one while we're away
just one and you'll know
it's time to get out
before the time
it's up and you're back
on your knees
praying and hoping
like sand
through an hourglass.
5 comments:
Spirituality! My favorite topic! I love the notion of the clock watching and judging us all. There's a lot of truth in this, and its beautifully crystallized in your lines. So much so that I feel like it overpowers the last few lines in the poem that illustrate the sand in the hourglass: I wonder if the end can be sharpened. Still, the religious imagery juxtaposed with the tangible creation of time in this poem work well together, and I'm looking forward to more posts from you, sir.
i love writing lyrics dealing with religion, but tend to stay away from poetry of the same for some reason (even though, essentially they are very much alike). so, i guess, this was sort of an experiment... when writing for blogs i tend to mess around with styles just general layout of my poetry.
thank you for the kind words edward!
also, don't think i haven't read the work you posted on here (i LOVE the harry potter one), but have decided to only comment going forward :)
Chris,
I am happy to see you on here so soon. I tend to agree with Edward on the last lines. I feel like there is a clarity and tightness to your earlier images but the last one is a bit flat. I think it still works, but maybe different phrasing can make it stronger.
I like the effortless flow between images, particularly the clock faces and the prayers/confessions. Also like the images of the old gods. Good stuff man
Two poems in one day? Are you trying to make the rest of us look bad? I kid, I kid! I agree with the previous comments in that the last lines fall flat since the clock faces image is so strong, especially the "watching" pun that immediately precedes it (and I love puns). I definitely see why you use the hourglass as it represents time, but I agree with Mr. Andrews in that you should probably rework it. Judging from your previous image, that shouldn't be too hard to do.
Thank you all, really.
My big problem is that when I write poetry I tend to write 10 or so withi a cumulative 25 minutes or so and its hard for me to edit myself. My other blog is probably evident of this, I think I wrote maybe 7 today alone b
I always write poetry in bursts like this and I catch random things after the fact.
None of that is to say I don't agree with all of you as at the very least the hourglass portion should have been first to show a more solid and coherent progression.
There are times I go back and edit, but rarely. Again, this is due to how many I write in a row. It's hard to get the same frame of mind.
Any pointers will be accepted gladly, it's part of why I am here! I've only been published twice, both for short form poems, and I want to push for more... Long form poetry.
Thanks again all! And chris, again, it means a lot.
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