a crisp leather briefcase--a choked-up necktie--mazed inside walls of cubicle-- trapped under mute shadows of downtown skyscrapers--lost from nine to five.
I like the way this poem is short and very controlled, which works well with the theme, considering such a lifestyle is like a prison...and as the title points out, for what?
This is a subject that I know well. I like that everything is so cubic (if that makes sense). The brifcase, walls, skyscrapers. It's like nesting squares. I like the hardness of the verb "crisp" too. It works well with the rest of the poem.
The context is a favorite of mine. The form and the way it looks on the page follow the theme and message. Short, controlled, trapped, and square. I love the line "mute shadows of downtown skyscrapers." You would think these giants had something to say, but they do not.
Solid! I agree with a lot of what the others have to say, but after I read your poem again I thought of an idea, which would create a terrific pun with the title.
The dashes break up the poem into: 1) briefcase 2) necktie 3) cubicles 4) skyscraper shadows 5) work hours If you add a 6th phrase surrounded by dashes, the 6 figures would work beyond just the salary. Just a thought.
Interesting idea, Brent! I must play with that. Currently, I have 6 words per line, but I can definitely play with the 6 figures a bit more: by adding 6 phrases, and possibly 6 lines as well.
6 comments:
My Virginian roommate just left for work: this, for him.
I like the way this poem is short and very controlled, which works well with the theme, considering such a lifestyle is like a prison...and as the title points out, for what?
The title creates a great sense of irony.
This is a subject that I know well. I like that everything is so cubic (if that makes sense). The brifcase, walls, skyscrapers. It's like nesting squares. I like the hardness of the verb "crisp" too. It works well with the rest of the poem.
The context is a favorite of mine. The form and the way it looks on the page follow the theme and message. Short, controlled, trapped, and square.
I love the line "mute shadows of downtown skyscrapers." You would think these giants had something to say, but they do not.
Solid! I agree with a lot of what the others have to say, but after I read your poem again I thought of an idea, which would create a terrific pun with the title.
The dashes break up the poem into:
1) briefcase
2) necktie
3) cubicles
4) skyscraper shadows
5) work hours
If you add a 6th phrase surrounded by dashes, the 6 figures would work beyond just the salary. Just a thought.
Interesting idea, Brent! I must play with that. Currently, I have 6 words per line, but I can definitely play with the 6 figures a bit more: by adding 6 phrases, and possibly 6 lines as well.
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