Accidents,
lessons learned.
The past
embeddedin the skin.
A forever reminder.
That jagged line
on your palm.
You startled the dog
while he was sleeping,
paid a small price:
four stitches.
That crescent
on your lip.
You fell on concrete
when you were only two,
and cried for an hour straight.
Reminders of pain
and healing.
Ghosts in raised skin.
As unique
as fingerprints.
4 comments:
Thouhg the last line was the reason I wrote this, I feel as if it needs work still. I was thinking about removing the first "as", or perhaps adding "a set of" in front of fingerprints. I feel as if that last line just needs something a little different.
I know Edward has already mentioned this, but I like how you focus on minutiae. The little things we overlook everyday are just as much a part of us as the big things. I love the line "Ghosts in raised skin." Couldn't have said it better. I like the last line as is. Adding "a set of" seems too wordy. Maybe "Our new fingerprints." I don't know.
I think you should change "The crescent" into "That crescent" to parallel the previous stanzas "That jagged line." Also, instead of "fell on concrete" put "You fell on concrete" because it sounds like the crescent already existed before the fall.
That's the way I originally had it. Damn my need to revise. Thanks. I changed the poem. I'm reading it with "our new fingerprints". Interesting.
I agree that removing the first "as" would move the last image further in the right direction. I wonder if you might want to continue to emphasize the personal nature of this poem, and again offer second-person ownership: your palm; your lip; your fingerprint. I don't know if the second-person is Violet, but I can't not picture her in this poem.
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